IndianaRunner

[THETURKEYBURGERtake2]

This is my story of a golf match we had at Hamilton Heights when I was in 8th grade. Please do not be intimidated by its length; just read it.
Also, I apologize for its odd style. It was a monologue I wrote for English last year during our Odyssey unit and it was supposed to resemble that style i.e. homeric similes, epithets.

As my fellow wielders of the clubbed-shaft (A.K.A. golfers) emerged from the yellow, oblong vehicular transporter we laid our eyes upon a land unknown to us. It was a strange land inhabited by strange people. My beady-eyed golf coach informed us that we were at the home golf course of Hamilton Heights, where we would be battling them in a golf match. After I got my land legs back I headed over to the putting green to practice my putting for a little bit. The first thing I noticed when I stepped onto the practice putting surface was a little chubby kid hitting flop shots from about a foot off the green as if he was Phil Mickelson or some other short game hot-shot. It was hilarious. By the way a flop shot is a very high arcing shot that under no circumstances should be hit from that close to the green. Shortly thereafter I overheard a conversation between two Hamilton Heights golfers as we were putting around. One, a chubby kid that looked eerily similar to the flop-shot artist, asked the other, “What is your favorite golf club of all-time?” The other kid replied, “Well what do you mean?” Fatso answered, “Well, mine’s the Sasquatch.” Then that was it. That statement ended their comical attempt at a conversation. Following these close encounters, I became eager to get the golf match underway. A little while later we all headed over to the first tee to get into our pairings and exchange scorecards. After reading the names on the scorecards we learned that the two chubby kids on the putting green were identical twins, their names Phil and Andy Goose. The funny thing about that is Phil was the one hitting the flop shots, imitating Phil Mickelson. Anyway the match got started after that and everything proceeded normally until I encountered a little speed bump on the sixth hole. After I hit my second shot near the green, a couple of rednecks began screaming and, judging by the loudness of the cacophony, were either smashed or just celebrating the victory of one of their favorite NASCAR drivers. These hillbillies then proceeded to pick my ball up and fling it back at me. It was insanity. The last three holes came and passed without incident and just when I thought everything was getting back to normal, the craziness started yet again. As I was signing my scorecard in the clubhouse, I heard a deafening roar that sounded like the engine of a NASCAR. I was curious to discover the source of this nonsense so I ran out of the clubhouse and witnessed one of the most incredible events in the history of middle school golf. I saw the socially awkward duo Phil and Andy Goose screaming and running around the ninth green like they were practicing a Chinese fire drill or something. I asked my nearest teammate what in the name of Zeus was going on and he said, “Apparently the asker of obscure questions, Andy, made the first birdie of his life.” I thought, “Wow, those kids really are nuts.” Following that incident, I began a chipping contest with the teller of many irrelevant and hilarious stories, Earl the Pearl. The chipping contest continued seamlessly until we encountered the twin with a knack for attempting unreasonable shots, Phil. He was wandering across the putting green in front of us singing, “Row, row, row, your boat gently down the stream.” At this spontaneous and incredibly weird act of singing a nursery rhyme, the teller of many irrelevant and hilarious stories, Earl the Pearl and I broke out in laughter. The twin with a knack for attempting unreasonable shots, Phil, in response to our snickering said, “Oh that’s like a fairy tale song or something. I don’t know why I’m singing that.” Shortly after this we learned the final score of the match. We destroyed Hamilton Heights the way Fat Bastard destroys a toilet. Then, with our heads held high in triumph, we rode away into the sunset.

Don't be afraid to share your own crazy golf stories

[logic_cat]

On hole 18 at Woodland Country club the last hole has a narrow fairway with a big pond on the right side. I hit 8 tee shots in a row into the water untill I gave up. Most of which were ProV1s . I find them everywhere along that course so it wasn't a big deal

[profit_logic_dookie]

i sharted when i swung, on hole 5.